hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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