I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
