: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
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Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
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You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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