She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
