i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Sext me about skeletons
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
