matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
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An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
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I deserve to be covered in dicks
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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