what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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