I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
