watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
