we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
