i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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