think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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