You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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