thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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