I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard