Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The power of my boobs compel you
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀