so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
