Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
