I just cut my nipple shaving
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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