as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
