my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
