My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
