All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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