i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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