I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
