thus making me awesome and them whores
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
