you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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