Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
