Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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