zippers are such a cool invention
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
