Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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