I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
