Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
