my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
