Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
