how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
