my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
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The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
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And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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