So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
