I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Randomize
