I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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