Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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