I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Text me some of your sweat
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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