I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
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She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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