I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
