we have pet lesbian snakes
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
