Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
