I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
