if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
