No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
