I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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