I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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