i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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