Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She's the barista slut.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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