nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
