Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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