She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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