I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
